


Madmen in a Box

by raven_aorla



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Drama, F/M, Fix-It, Fluff, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, Not Canon Compliant, Polyamory Negotiations, The Master as Simon Amstell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-12
Updated: 2013-10-12
Packaged: 2017-12-29 04:04:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1000656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raven_aorla/pseuds/raven_aorla
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The TARDIS crash lands in Amy and Rory's backyard, some time after "The Wedding of River Song", but this time it's not crashing because the Doctor has regenerated. The Doctor didn't have to regenerate this time. The Master did, instead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Madmen in a Box

**Author's Note:**

> Not my characters. 
> 
> I'm imagining this hypothetical version of the Master as played by Simon Amstell.
> 
>  
> 
> Based on the premise that he would be to Matt Smith as John Simm was to David Tennant, looks and mannerisms-wise.

Was it like this for seven-year-old Amelia, Rory wondered when the TARDIS crashed into their garden, smoking and sending off sparks? Amy was out watching a school production of Peter Pan with her mum, since one of her English cousins was playing Wendy, so for once Rory was home when Amy wasn't. 

He ran out, of course, hoping that the Doctor would be relatively all right and at a point in his timeline where he would recognize them.

The doors were flung open and the Doctor flung clumsily onto the grass. By someone else. River?

Unless River hadn't lost all her regenerations after healing the Doctor in Berlin, and had also come back as a bloke, this didn't seem to be it, though. The person who collapsed a scant few inches away from the Doctor, leaking golden energy from his fingertips and occasionally coughing up brilliant swirls that quickly faded, was similar to the Doctor in gangliness and unruly dark hair. His jeans, trainers, and black hoodie were falling apart in every way possible while still being recognizable.

But when he looked up at Rory, there was a very un-Doctorish expression in his face. He said, "If you don't help us right now, I will make sure you regret it."

"Who are you and what have you done to the Doctor?" Rory asked with Centurion calm.

The being's laugh was high and a little unhinged. "I saved his life. Again. Who'd have thought it?...as for me, I am the Master, and I haven't come this far to lose him this time."

"I'm not going to not help you - the Doctor's a friend. And I assume you've just regenerated. Did you survive House, then?" Rory bent over the Doctor to check his life signs. "I don't have a stretcher handy and I don't think the TARDIS is up to providing one at the moment. What happened and how likely is it that he has internal damage?"

"I don't know what 'House' you're referring to, but I finally managed to force a crack in the Time Lock large enough and stable enough and with enough of a safe destination on the other side to actually get through. And one that wouldn't make the rest of Gallifrey pop through as well and let the High Council bugger everything and especially me over again. Amazing what relative lucidity does for my productivity. When the Doctor came after my distress signal we had a row, like we usually do, and I was just about to convince him the whole business with his TARDIS exploding was an unforeseen side effect rather than a deliberate plot, and then some wretched Zygon or whatever the hell it was decided this would be an opportunity to take a potshot, and I happen to have at least ten regenerations left thanks to Rassilon needing to resurrect me so that he could go destroy my own childhood and all my centuries since then, and his damn TARDIS electrocutes me now when I try to touch her controls though I suppose I can see her point given what happened last time and the Doctor probably has some aggressive isomorphic protocols on all his possessions these days, so the upshot is I took a raygun blast for the Doctor because I could better afford it and also so that he could pilot the TARDIS to get us somewhere relatively safe but I was already in such bad shape before getting shot that my regeneration was more destructive than ideal and he should be all right in a solar cycle or so but he needs rest and -"

Rory managed to catch the Master quickly enough so that he could deposit him gently rather than letting him have any further injury.

A few hours later, he heard Amy ask, "Rory, why are you standing outside a camping tent? And why did you set up the tent in the first place?"

"There are two unconscious Time Lords and I wanted them out of the rain that seems to be brewing but getting them into the house seemed like a bad idea."

Amy's eyebrows shot up. "You could have called."

"I tried. You had your mobile off. Did Esther do a good job?"

"She stole every scene she was in. That's a Pond for you. So who's the other one?"

"Calls himself 'The Master'."

She couldn't help but snort at that. "Bit of a complex, sounds like."

"Could be a translation issue."

A pale, peaky face under a mess of dark curls poked out of the tent. "I knew there had to be an Earth girl involved. Always running around with Earth girls. Positively indecent."

"You married one," replied the Doctor, still inside.

"You married at least two."

"None of mine hated me. Ish."

Amy and Rory, as a unit, started disassembling the tent. "You can explain yourselves and bicker once you're inside and having a cuppa."

"You're brilliant, Pond. You really are. Really really really..." then the Doctor passed out again.

The Master got to his feet a bit unsteadily. "We're both going to be doing a lot of that for at least forty-eight hours. I suppose it's good the Doctor's actually training his pet monkeys to not act as idiotic as they used to when things like this happen. Are we in Scotland or England? Do I look anything like any British prime minister?" And then he walked into a wall rather than through the door.

They managed to get the Doctor on the bed in the guest bedroom, the Master continuing to babble and stumble the entire way. "You didn't answer my question. Do I look anything like any British prime minister?"

"Not to my knowledge," Rory said, wrestling the Doctor's shoes off so he could tuck him under the blankets in case of shock. "Why does that worry you?"

"First, that would be uncanny, and second I want to reassure the Doctor when he wakes up I'm not going to try becoming one again. Ended up not being as much fun as I thought it was going to be. Even before he managed to become Tinkerbell Jesus." The Master leaned against the wardrobe and giggled.

"I'm glad the Doctor wasn't quite as off his rocker as you are when I met him the first time," Amy said. muttered.

"Oh, the last time I was on this planet it wouldn't have been a good idea for anyone to meet me. But everyone did. All they had to do was look in a mirror!" Then, abruptly, all mirth left him and he buried his face in his hands. "I'm trying. I'm trying. But it's been so long I don't know how to be - I don't know...I need clothes and a shower. If that's all right. Please."

"Can we trust you to not pass out in the shower and drown?" Amy asked.

"I wouldn't trust me to do anything. I'm clever like that."

Amy pursed her lips. "I'll find an outfit Rory can spare, and I will make everyone tea. Rory, can you handle them for now?"

"Yeah. See if you can get a call out to River when she has her Vortex Manipulator? She'd probably want to know about this if she doesn't already." He squeezed Amy's hand before she left the room.

The Master was now in a heap on the carpet, but it was a soft enough carpet that he was probably fine there. "It's not like the Doctor can act all betrayed. He got married first. And kicked up such a fuss when she regenerated and her new self didn't fancy him anymore - Gallifreyan marriages have a 'regeneration-caused incompatibility' clause, by the way, Mr. Pond or whatever your name is."

"Rory."

"Fine. I hate how I can't seem to stop talking right after a regeneration. That's why I always tried to get them done in private, my TARDIS if I can help it. I miss her. She was a lot better than his. Had an actual working Chameleon circuit for one thing - Rory, to your knowledge, is this Doctor kinky or vanilla? I hate it when he comes out vanilla. Younger one this time, though. Not the worst dress sense I've seen. I told him once that if he kept wearing that nine-foot scarf in those colors I would probably throw him off a tower one day and did he listen?"

Satisfied that the Doctor was stable and as comfortable as possible, Rory helped the Master to his feet. "Let's get you in a chair or something. How long have you two known each other?"

As they made their way to the living room, the Master had an expression of deep concentration. "Hmmm....I'd say we were about seven. I think. If you're using the version of 'known' that means 'to be acquainted with'. If you're using the other meaning I'd say since were were about ninety. On the way back from a field trip to the Medusa Cascade. Though we didn't get very far because that wretched Ushas interrupted us..."

"What a nice chair to sit in," Rory said, a trifle too loudly. "I'm sure you'll enjoy it."

"We were three, Master! You hit me over the head with a roentgen block!"

Rory replied, over his shoulder in the general direction of the bedroom they had just come from, "You're resting, Doctor. You can bicker later."

"He claimed he could absorb and then expel radiation better than any of the rest of us so he deserved it," the Master grumbled, curling into a ball and nestling in the armchair provided.

Naturally, this is when River materialized on top of a bookcase. In a sundress and boots, with a blaster on her hip, her expression more hurried and purposeful than anything else. She hopped down and removed a folder from the satchel she'd brought with her. "Oh, dear, sorry about that Dad, I was concentrating on getting the precise temporal coordinates and I was a few feet too far to the left. Sweetie, I see your husband is here so I must have got it right, do you have a moment to fill out the polymarital paperwork?"

Amy peeked out of the kitchen and took in everyone's positions and facial expressions. "Good to see you, River. I'll make tea for you too."

"Oh, yes, thank you. The Master here looks like he wants to strangle me or sick up everything he's eaten all month, or both, so has the Doctor not proposed yet?"

"It's not always like this around here," Rory said, though it sounded more like to himself than the Master. "It isn't."

"I'VE GOT SECOND-DEGREE BURNS," the Doctor shouted, evidently having only just noticed.

They ended up all in the bedroom to work out the timeline, the Doctor and the Master both in the guest bed. River and the Pond brought in chairs from the kitchen. "These are only _first_ -degree burns, Doctor," Rory said.

"I've had a tiring day," the Doctor said. "Also your hands are cold."

Amy handed Rory the bottle of aloe. "So...you need the paperwork to have the Doctor and the Master both listed as your spouses so you can complete your tenure application to Luna University."

River beamed. "Yes. The Doctor told me - will tell me..." then she used a word that Amy and Rory didn't get in translated form.

"How does she know Gallifreyan?" the Master moaned into a pillow. "How can she even make the sounds...what have you been doing...what have you done..."

"He forgot to take into account the implications of having newlyweds onboard a TARDIS," River replied, as if discussing flower arrangements.

Rory blushed but focused on wrapping gauze. "Don't do anything strenuous until they're all healed. Have the TARDIS look at it. I trust her more than him."

"I don't want anything bad to happen to _him,_ " the Master replied, burrowing further into the duvet until only the top of his head was visible. "Went to a lot of effort to keep him alive."

"So you're saying we're in a...." the Doctor used yet another word that didn't translate.

"Well, it's more that him and I share you and I can do as I like apart from that if I'm sensible about it. Just sign here and here, Doctor, and here and here, Master, and it'll all be sorted."

Since Rory had finished his first-aid the Doctor tugged the papers out of River's hands. "A little early on for such things..."

"We've known each other for almost a thousand years, Doctor, and it's been two centuries since we last saw each other..."

"All right, point, that's a point right there. Does that mean you'll sign, Master? This says I'm not only agreeing to be your primary non-exclusive spouse but also your sobriety companion. For murder."

"Luna University is a short distance from one of the finest Murder Rehab facilities in five solar systems," River said. "They also have a program for Supervillainy Detox. It's tax-deductible."

At this point in their lives Rory and Amy just looked at each other and shrugged. "If you bring him along for visits, either of you, make sure he sticks to the...program, yeah?" Amy said.

"Now, everyone who wants tea sit up. Don't want to get scalding water on burns I've just dressed. Oh, and Master, if you hurt my wife or daughter I will destroy you to the subatomic level. How many sugars?"

"He's twice as old as either of us, it's complicated," the Doctor said, before the Master could retort.

The Master seethed but cradled a mug in his scrawny new hands. "No sugar. Could go for a biscuit. Bloody time travel and earthlings and all this. Should have brained you with that roentgen block and saved us all a lot of bother."

"Fixed point, I'm afraid," the Doctor said, kissing River on the cheek and tousling the Master's hair. "You've got curls now. It's adorable."

"Better than a face made of elbows," the Master replied.

"Not vanilla, by the way," the Doctor said.

Amy said, "We don't have vanilla biscuits."

"That's not -" Rory began.

"I'm sure everyone will love shortbread rounds, if your Aunt Sharon's made any," River said.

The Master laughed, and it sounded at least eighty percent sane. "More biscuits and less murder."

He let the Doctor wrap his less-injured arm around him, and without needing to discuss it beforehand Amy and Rory left River to work out further details with them, and went to whip up a quick batch of fish fingers and custard.

 

**Author's Note:**

> The Doctor said to Martha in "Smith and Jones" that he used to play with roentgen blocks in the nursery. 
> 
> The Torchwood episode "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" references the 51st century having such a thing as Murder Rehab, and Jack Harkness being impressed that his ex-partner John Hart has supposedly been there.
> 
> Matt Smith mentioned in an interview that kids at school used to say he had "a face full of elbows".


End file.
